Tough Love, Snowdrops and Choosing Differently

Hands up if the start of this year has felt tougher than most.  You wouldn’t be alone in feeling that; the grey, cold and wet weather, the long dark days and that slumped feeling seems to have hit almost everyone I have spoken to in January. 

December is such a busy month, and then January is filled with expectation and undeliverable promises and with them both a pressure to be and feel like someone maybe you don’t recognise or sadly do, but wished, you didn’t.

Cluster of Snowdrops among fallen leaves

February is the time of year when the reality of not hitting the goals you set way back at the start of January aren’t perhaps turning out and progressing the way you had intended.  I’ve worked with a lot of clients, both one to one and group sessions, over the last week to ten days around goal setting. Guess what, I’m a big believer that they don’t need to be fully formed on the 1^st January, no one needs or wants to start the year with that kind of pressure! In order to achieve what we want in life it needs to not only be aligned (missing word?) but also aligned with what we want as an individual not what we feel we should or could do to meet others expectations or peer pressure.

I was chatting last week about the roles we assume throughout our lives, often as children, roles within our families, friendship circles or wider at school and activities and how as adults we often take these roles through and they become who we are; the person who always arranges everything, the person who checks everyone is ok, the dependable one. Most of us can go through life carrying these assumed roles and never questioning them, do we want them, do they help us create the life we want or do they hinder us and hold us back. The same can be said for the goals and dreams we set for ourselves, they can be linked so strongly to the expectations and built up history of those around us that we don’t even realise they aren’t for us until we realise that’s why we aren’t achieving them. 

February is also the month of love, but even during the most romantic of months we miss self-love; being honest with yourself, letting go of things that once defined you, and more importantly setting boundaries that feel uncomfortable but necessary for growth.  Self-love is about being able to admit to yourself what is working and what is not and choosing differently.

Twenty-five or so years ago, I set out on a career, a path which was already predetermined by what I had learnt at school, the expectations of how things should  be done, completing a predetermined life map with paths you follow from one to the other in order and in accordance with “the plan”.  

I put my heart and soul into my career, working crazy hours, saying no to things that mattered to me so that I could always say yes to maintain and progressing my position and career.  When I walked away from it all to start my own business, everyone thought I had lost my mind; great company, excellent opportunities and an amazing package was all they could see.  They were right about all of those things but what they didn’t see was that I was playing the wrong game on the wrong board, at the wrong table and to the wrong rules.  

Making the final decision was tough but laying out the plans and taking action after that felt so easy, it felt like I was doing what I was born to do.  People say that anything worthwhile is difficult, what’s difficult is letting yourself make the decision to put yourself first.  When you know who you want to be and the life you want to create, and you start building that dream step by step it becomes so much easier.

As the lighter nights and longer days start to become the norm and the temperatures start to climb, we start to see life appearing all around us.  Starting with the beautiful snowdrops, they act as such a poignant reminder of change, the difficulty pushing through, but the absolute beauty when we do.  I always think of my Nana at this time of year, I vividly recall her talking about the snowdrops breaking through being the first signs of life after the cold winter months and that always brought such a smile to my face.   In life its really easy to feel all of the struggles and not see the progress being made and for me the snowdrops are a perfect reminder of the strong beauty that can come from even the harshest of conditions.  Personally, the snowdrops act as a reminder of how my life has shaped the person I am today, situations and characters that in the moment I felt would break me, times where there did not seem to be a road ahead that I wanted to take, but out of the darkest moments can shine some of best times.  Times of transformation and progress, opportunities for us to see and understand who we are and are capable of becoming. 

We are sitting in that quiet space between winter and spring, it feels intimate like an invitation to be honest with ourselves about what we really want. The snowdrops an annual reminder of inner strength and resilience allowing us to dig deep and take action towards the life we want to create. 

That’s what I love about coaching is its ability to help people listen to themselves again, hear the voice that is yours rather than that of others expectations and judgement and create real change.